“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together” - Woodrow Wilson

Humans are by nature a social species with a strong desire to belong. In our lifetimes, we develop bonds and friendships that can enrich and improve our life experience. We naturally gravitate towards people who share our viewpoints, values, backgrounds and traditions. These friendships are uniquely tied to our life experiences, accompanying us along our successes and failures. This is why it is so important to make sure that we pick the right friends! Maintaining friendships is not always easy and often requires careful nurturing and consideration.

The benefits of positive friendships are numerous, boosting happiness and health, which we should all aim for. A 2009 study from the Journal of the National Medical Association found that adults who have meaningful relationships and social support are less likely to have mental health issues. On the contrary, they enjoy feelings of belonging, purpose, increased levels of happiness, reduced levels of stress, improved self-worth and confidence. However, it is common for friendship choices to backfire and become toxic, leading to you feeling emotionally exhausted and with low self-esteem.

So how can we nurture healthy friendships? According to the Mayo Clinic, the most important fundamentals for friendship are:

• Be Kind
  
• Be a good listener
  
• Open up
  
• Show that your can be trusted
  
• Make yourself available
  
• Manage your nerves with mindfulness
  
• Encourage healthy behavior and push them to be their best.
  

A healthy friendship needs an equilibrium between each other, where the needs of each are met. But when they are not met, you can experience what is commonly referred to as a “Friend Burnout”. Frederic Meuwly, PHD from Actitude Coaching explains in his 2017 TEDX talk that Burnout is an exhaustion at the physical, mental and emotional level. “It is like being a hostage, to nervous system, ego, and negative emotional state’. According to Smith’s (1986) cognitive affective model, burnout develops as a result of chronic exposure to stress as a result of a long-term perceived inability to meet situational demands.

There are many reasons why friends may grow apart. Life can get complicated as we change and evolve. Choices of marriage, children and careers, may shunt previous friendships to the back seat. Often mutual needs are no longer being met, which in turn drives small cracks of irritation and resentment into friendships. Perhaps one is doing all the venting whilst the other always comforts. This can become intense and very quickly weigh you down mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically, triggering your system to burnout.

How do you know if you are experiencing a Burn Out? Typically you will have negative and apathetic attitude, and feel mentally or physically drained. You may start to feel anxiety, fatigue or frustration when you talk or spend time together. Perhaps their issues seem more important to you than your own well being. Yet they are rarely happy for you, with their own low self esteem issues and constant reassurance getting in the way of being there for you too. And if you are unable to be there for them, they sting you with guilt or manipulation. It becomes rather one sided and you realise that they don’t ask you about your life, or take an interest in you, and are absent in advice or support when you need it. Sound familiar? Then you have experienced a burn out!

No friendship is worth compromising your mental health or well-being, so taking some time apart and creating some distance might allow you to come back round together. If you think it is worth saving, really tune in to what is going on. If your friend is constantly in need of support, advice, have anxiety issues or show signs of depression, then support them in finding a mental health professional. By empowering them to help you solve your friendship problem, can also work. But know your own limits and boundaries. You can still be a good friend without sacrificing your life and maintaining self-care.

How do we nurture healthy friendships with our kids?

Teaching your children what a healthy friendship looks like, and the friendship boundaries is important. As is setting an example to them on how to interact with the world. Friends are people we know and trust, and who know and trust us. So it makes sense that the first friend a baby makes is its normally its parents and siblings. They learn by observing how these role models interact with the world around them, picking up on emotions, reactions and boundaries. It is these early interactions that will influence the friendships they have later on.

In the early years, there is a wonderful opportunity for our kids to learn the key ingredients to nurturing healthy friendships. Praising them when you recognise them as being a good friend, and treating them with the same love and respect as a close friend with active listening and good communication can teach them so much early on. Children who have high self esteem and confidence naturally develop other useful friendship skills such as kindness and empathy, in addition to these key components:

• Support
  
• Encouragement
  
• Respect
  
• Trustworthiness
  
• Loyalty Fun/Happiness/Togetherness Being Yourself
  
• Be a Good Sport
  

When children value themselves, they are far more likely to choose friends who are similarly self respecting with the same values. Through encouraging participation in activities they enjoy, they are likely to meet the ‘right’ like minded friends. Speaking to their teachers about the friends your child is making in class (both healthy and unhealthy) is a proactive way to ensure things are on track. Regularly talking to your child about their friends, asking how their friends make them feel, whilst talking through issues and conflicts, can help them make good decisions. By allowing your child to see healthy friendships in your own life you help them later on to understand what other people want. These are essential skills for making and keeping good friends.

"Friends are the family you choose” - Jess C Scott